The last goodbye

You know that feeling you have when you just love something so much? that feeling you get when you have an emotional connection with something? It can be anything at all, a person, an object, a place, anything.

My granny passed away 4 years ago, I lived with her, my dad and my brothers from the age of 10.  We lived at our granny’s house in Finglas, it was an old house with a huge back garden, right beside Johnstown park.  Even before I moved in I used to love this house I was there everyday after school and on Saturdays, it was my home from a very young age.

When I moved in I was so happy, it was finally my home, my granny was my best friend, we would sit up every night, chat and watch the saps on the TV, she would sit in her chair and I would sit on the couch.  I would make us tea after dinner and would would eat rich tea or sometimes digestive biscuits. She was a great listener and so was I, I loved listening to her funny stories about all of my aunts, uncles and my dad, she would make me laugh so much. She was a character. I went everywhere with her, every Tuesday we would get the bus into town and look around the shops, we would meet her sister in Roche’s Stores have our tea and cake, she would walk around town wheeling her trolly (the ones with 4 wheels) walking up Moore street getting all our fruit for the week, I used to hate this part because all I could smell was fish but she would make me come with her…… this is a very happy memory for me because I would moan and groan and all she would say is fish is good for you 🙂 and she was right.

She was aways the life of the party, the one to make everyone laugh with her jokes and her witty sense of humour, my friends loved coming to my house and hear her talk and make them tea, she would give out about all of us and all my friends could do was laugh and encourage her more. She would refer to us as Emma Murphy, Karl Murphy, Jason Murphy, Laurence Murphy etc never just our first names lol.

Walking upto to Finglas village every week to collect  her pension, get the bus into town and go to Moore St and Cleary’s, going to Blanchardstown with my aunty Sandra to do the food shopping, making the trifle every sunday, sitting together at the kitchen table every evening at 5pm to have dinner as a family, waiting at the porch for me while I walked up the road from school, sleeping in the same bed as her, sleep walking and she telling me the next day laughing her head off, having my cake and tea on the table after school, having my cod liver oil on the table beside my cereal, having ice pops for us in the summer and magnums from Iceland,  sitting in the back garden in the summer, Then when I started to drive I could bring her places myself and it was a pleasure. These are just some of my special memories I have of my granny.

When she then got ill and her health started to deteriorate it was heartbreaking to see, not because she was ill but because she was losing her dignity, I could see it in her eyes how much she hated the fact that she was not able to do the things she once was. I used to tell her, granny please don’t be sad we are all so honoured to be doing these things for you.  Her health began to get worse and soon enough she had to sleep downstairs, she could not dress herself and she had to be walked into the bathroom.

I would take pride in getting her dressed in the mornings and putting her into bed every night, she would wrap her rosary beads around her fingers, I would put her fluffy socks on to keep her feet warm, I would always kiss her goodnight.

As more time went on as a family we all helped out and took pride in caring for her, she was the queen of the family, she raised myself and my brothers and she did a damn good job.

She fell very ill and was in hospital, this time was different we knew she was not coming home, I was with her everyday and every night, sitting in the hospital room looking at her, gazing into her eyes, she still had that witty sense of humour, she would still make me laugh, holding her hand praying she would go in peace and not be in pain. Looking at the family distraught and saddened that she was going to be going soon, looking at my dad from a distance killed me inside, tears in his eyes. When she was sleeping I would speak to her, thank her for all that she has done for the family.

When she took her last breaths my uncles where with her, I was parking in the car park at the hospital when I got the call that she was gone. Only minutes away from her room, I was devastated, running as fast as I can to her room to hold her and kiss her, my dad and uncle in the room crying and saying she’s gone, she’s gone. Although I was not with her at her final breaths I was happy my uncles had this moment with her. A moment they will cherish forever, I believe she chose her moment to go.

12743563_10205937258615012_2298114998023761842_nWhen we brought her body back to the house I was so happy to have her home again even though it was just to say goodbye, I slept in the sitting room that night and could not leave her side, We all sat around the coffin, reminiscing of the good days, eating Chinese, laughing and joking. she looked so peaceful and content, and she looked so beautiful. I slept so well that night on the couch and when I woke up I had tears rolling down my face, maybe because today was the day I was finally saying goodbye to my best friend. To the woman who was ALWYAS there for me when I saw always I mean always. She never let me down.

Living without her was a massive struggle, living in our home was painful and I became depressed and very sad, I would not leave the house much, I wanted to stay home and just be alone, my dad and brothers would go to work and I would sit and stare into space, I had a great job at the time but due to all of the grief and sadness one day I woke up and just could not go back in, I could not face reality and go into that job again.

As time went on things got better I fell pregnant and and I started to smile again, I believed again and I believed I could be happy again. I believed this baby was sent to me at this time because I was struggling with life, an angel from my Mam and my Granny.

Although Granny was not in the house anymore I could always feel her in the house with us, I believed she was still in the house, I could feel her presence around the house and this was still home and I loved the feeling of our home.

The last 4 years my Dad and Brothers have been living in our home, a place I would always go, sometimes a couple of times a day, my kids would play in the garden and run around the house, myself and dad would joke and say “granny murphy would kill you guys if she could see you running around the house” we would laugh and say if granny was here what would she say. lol she would go mad with the screams lol.

4 years on the time has come for the house to be sold, I never thought the day would come, infact I would hope the day would never come. Sadly it did.  Looking at my dad clearing the house, disposing of the furniture and gathering our belongings, the last couple of weeks have been difficult, I have switched off from everything else in my life because I wanted to soak up as much as I could, clearing out my old room, I came across pictures, cards, poems, school year books, videos, letters, teddy bears, dolls…… the list is endless, I came across so many beautiful things that brought back so many beautiful memories. Looking at my brothers clearing the house, this house that was our home, our home where we made beautiful and priceless memories together, some good some bad, laughs and tears, but one thing is for sure Granny made this OUR HOME not just a house but our home and we are forever grateful to her for that.

Saying goodbye to our home is like losing Granny all over again, I will not have the house to go and sit in to speak to her but I will have my very special memories.

Granny I love you so much, you made me who I am today, you showed me how to be a good person, someone with values and morals, you raised me to stick up for myself, to be strong but most of all you showed me how to love like a mother. You treated me like a daughter and a friend, il never forget our special bond and no one will know the extent of our connection. You are my best friend and always will be, I love you so much and I hope you are proud of how we came together as a family and said goodbye to our home.

The new owners will make more beautiful memories in that home X

 

Live, Love & Laugh

 

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You made us the people we are today

Xxxx

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